It seems like it's one of those times where I find myself thinking about a lot of stuff, the whole direction of everything. It just seems like lately I don't know what to think of anything anymore. I just feel like I need to just egt away from everything for a day and be alone to think.

I'm not going to sit here and say that everything in my life is horrible right now, but for some reason that's what it feels like. I'm not mad or upset at anyone, except maybe myself. I just feel like something needs to change. I'm not sure if I'm even explaining it well, because I don't even think I fully understand it.

I really just want to be happy I guess, but I still haven't found out exactly what it is that I need to do so. My jobs fine, it's work and I get paid anyways. I have a car, and a home, and parents who, for the most part, care about me. I have plenty of friends who actually want me around, when I'm not being obnoxious anyways. So I'm not sure what my problem is.

I guess I just think too much all the time. I'm always worried about what people think of me, and feel like everyone is judging me. I always feel like everyone is above me, and that I'm lower then them. I don't know why I feel like this all the time, but I'm always thinking about it. Every time I make a mistake, every time someone gives me an odd look, I always read into it too much and beat myself up for it.

There's a lot of things that I've done, or that I think about, or that I feel, that I am ashamed of. None of which I'm comfortable with posting on a public website. There's a lot of times when I think about stuff that I know is untrue, or sometimes I dream about things that are unattainable and I keep beating myself up and saying that "those things aren't true" or " you have to let it go and move on" but for some reason it's so hard for me. Every night I'm up thinking about something or someone and I can't get to sleep. A lot of times it starts to affect the way I act and it makes me more quiet or detached from everyone like some sort of depressed, whiny, emo child and that's not what I want to be thought of as.

I don't know why I randomly decided to do this self analysis, or whatever, but usually it helps when I write stuff down or when I talk to someone about it. I just wish I didn't think this way. I wish that I could figure out a way to be happy and stay that way. I wish I didn't feel the way I do, or think the way I do, but I suppose that's just how I am.